Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Always a metermaid never a meter
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.