I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
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Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.