[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Wait a minute
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”