WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
also my go-to takeaway order
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.