[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Oh my God.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago