– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.