*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
i hate you platonically
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.