You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
ACED my prostate exam!