haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)