*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
August 8
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.