[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
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Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
What’s a Messi?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]