Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
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The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours