Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.