You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
i was baptized in a car wash
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.