Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”