11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
You Might Also Like
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Good advice.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.