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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.