Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.