Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Danger is very dangerous
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.