Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Would you wear it?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.