Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
just got my engagement photos
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
They got a point!
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am