No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman