If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
hackers play passwordle
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
mom gave me mine for free
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri