[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
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As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course