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Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.