The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
pat pat
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Mad Max Arctic Road
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
nature’s most graceful animal
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?