[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.