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*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*