Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
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I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.