WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
When you can’t find your friend Neil