[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
The human personality is made of five key elements
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
technically true but not a great slogan
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.