Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
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What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you鈥檙e really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what鈥檚 halloween.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom鈥檚 a mess
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn鈥檛 finish high school
#Caturday
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
her: who鈥檚 ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn鈥檛 count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine鈥檚 Day to decide who has to be on top.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 馃檪
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
i don鈥檛 think it鈥檒l all fit in there
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file