[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?