ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Namaste
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?