When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.