You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
cry laughing at this shit
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I don’t hate children, just yours.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you