“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.