Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.