I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.