My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Mission: Impossible
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter