“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”