I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?