*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*