Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.