Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
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I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.