I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Good boy 😂😂
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.