Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
If looks could kill
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up