I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
WHY?!
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.