Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what