Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
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For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I’m awake but I object,
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
FINE, I WON’T.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses